I Miss Tomorrow
A Dream of Hope
I have always believed in the beauty of the unknown. Being numb to what was happening around me was a quality I never appreciated when I was a kid but now I long for it. Knowing people disappoints my nowadays.
Remember when we would make friends on the small park near our homes? It’s not even how hard it is to meet new people that upsets me. It’s the fact that I no longer wish to know new people due to fear of disappointment.
Tomorrow looked better yesterday
When I was a kid, I used to thrive in the idea of becoming a lawyer, buy my dad a Ferrari and having kids. Now I fear the next sun because I know that it will be just as underwhelming as the day before. I can’t buy my father a Peugeot 2008, never mind a Ferrari. I can’t save enough to buy what my future kids can call “home”.
Being the smartest kid in school was important because it meant I would have a bright future but if I was never doing any of that for myself, what even was the point? I craved attention and the approval of people whose approval was only getting further away from what I could offer them. I miss being great at history or a genius at foreign languages.
Thinking about tomorrow scares me
The other day, I had to decide the length of the credit for my car.
I panicked.
Can I afford the same price in 8 years? Will I be doing the same thing I’m doing now? Do I even like what I’m doing now?
This spiral continued for some time. I felt as if my life would become a story on a finished book once I signed the contract. I felt as if 10 years of “tomorrows” were being decided for me instead of being decided by me. I know it’s just a simple contract and it wasn’t for a lot of money but it felt like the end of my youth.
My youth has been over for some time now. I left college and started working but I’m still in my friends group chats so I see them making plans that I can’t even think about being included because I can only leave work at 6pm.
I am worrying about how much I need to save for a down payment while my friends worry about how much they can spend on beer tonight.
Tomorrow will be different for everyone
It’s funny how we can all be living under the same sun and moon at the same time and yet our live so different from everyone else’s. The 6th of September is the same day for you and I and yet we have nothing connecting us.
Whether your life is better or worse than mine, I can assure you they are different.
That’s beautiful.
It’s beautiful how 2 people with completely different lives can come together and talk. Sometimes even marrying one another and sharing their life as much as they can with the other.
I don’t feel as if I am losing hope. I’m not as simple as I once hoped to be. Maybe I will buy a Ferrari for my father, who knows? All I can really do is work for a better tomorrow. Work for a tomorrow that can make an older me proud of me. Because at the end of the day, all I can do is be proud of myself.
